With the election only a few months away, all prospective candidates are limbering up for a final sprint to the door of No. 10.  The stakes are high, given the increasingly narrow poll gap between Labour and the Conservatives, meaning the slightest PR slip-up could prove disastrous.  Here’s some common sense advice both parties should listen to, in order to maximise their chances of Election-day success. 

Beware of popular culture.

There’s nothing more toe-curling than politicians doing pop music.  Cherie Blair caterwauling ‘When I’m 64’ and Gordon Brown admitting a fondness for the Arctic Monkeys saw ridicule heaped on both, whilst David Cameron’s smug claim that Radiohead had granted a song request saw him receive a sharp rebuke from lead singer Thom Yorke, who denied the politician’s claims.  Stick to Radio 2 folks!

Keep your vocal chords in check.

A calm, earnest-sounding voice is crucially important for any wannabe MP.  Those in possession of less honeyed tones could do worse than to follow the example set by Margaret Thatcher in employing a vocal coach to lower her paint-strippingly shrill voice into something more bearable.  Here’s looking at you, Gideon George Oliver Osborne. 

Flaunt your family with caution.

Whilst being a “family man” [or woman] is strong political currency, most Westminster bigwigs have wisely chosen to keep their loved ones out of the spotlight.  John Gummer shoveling a hamburger into his four year-old daughter’s mouth at the height of the BSE scare in 1989 provoked howls of outrage.  Guard their privacy to avoid allegations of exploitation. 

Be honest about your educational background.

Many politicans choose – unwisely – to play down their educational background.  David Cameron’s haughty dismissal of his top-notch schooling as “corny” seems odd, particularly in light of the phone call from Buckingham Palace to Tory HQ on the morning of his first interview, when an unnamed regal voice gave Dave a glowing reference.  Far better to work hard and wait for your reward come the next reshuffle. 

Appoint ministers solely on the basis of previous experience. 

Summer 2009 saw a vanity appointment backfire spectacularly, as MP Caroline Flint left office amid a flurry of unhinged-sounding statements.  Vampy Flint accused Gordon Brown of treating her as glamorous window dressing.  Which seems fair, given her admission that as Minister for Europe she hadn’t bothered to read the Lisbon Treaty, setting out the function and rules of EU. 

Guard your briefing papers carefully.

Top anti-terror cop Bob Quick was sacked last year after emerging from Downing Street carrying secret papers which forced MI5 to bring forward a terror operation.  Andy Burnham clung onto his job after leaving papers marked “restricted” on a train, whilst Caroline Flint [her again] faced flak after walking into No 10 in 2007 carrying papers admitting “We don’t know how bad the housing crisis will get.”  Just use your bloody briefcase!

 Don’t get preachy.

Few tears were shed over the downfall of Evangelical Northern Irish MP Iris Robinson last month.  Having used the Bible to condemn gays as “worse than paedophiles” money-grabbing Iris was revealed as a rampant cougar who’d been bedding the 19 year-old son of a dead lover.  Iris’ Shady financial dealings also ended her husband Peter’s career as Northern Ireland First Minister, proving that the family who pray together don’t necessarily stay together. 

Don’t try to be faux-frugal.

“Isn’t she lovely?  And so in keeping with the mood of the nation!”  Trilled Tory sympathisers last summer, as Samantha Cameron hit the party conference in a pair of £29 Zara stilettos and a £65 polka-dot M&S dress.  What a contrast to champagne socialist Sarah Brown, in her £800 Erdem frock.  Until it emerged that luxury goods CEO Sam had commissioned a bespoke copy of the dress from its original designer.  From woman of the people to Marie Antoinette in one fell swoop.  Oops. 

Pay your taxes.

Tax represents a political hot potato, but that didn’t stop Tory eco-bore Zac Goldsmith trying to avoid it.  Goldsmith shuffled uncomfortably when his non-dom tax status was revealed late last year, quickly conceding that he’d done the wrong thing.  Sadly, his admission came too late to salvage his status as a Tory maverick.  If you’re going to be part of the team that sets income tax rates, make sure you’re paying your own.

Avoid green issues.

In rushing to leap on the green bandwagon, many MPs leave themselves open to accusations of hypocrisy.   David Cameron’s smug championing of eco-friendly Big trainers was toe-curling.  As was his insistence on being photographed cycling to work, followed [at a discreet distance] by a car carrying his briefcase.  Most voters are happy to subsidise the odd ministerial Jag, knowing that to do so props up the almost non-existent British car industry.